Friday May 30th, 2025

A lot has transpired since 2024 in my life. I go by a different name, I’ve had a few crises, I moved 4 flipping times in one year and am about to move AGAIN; and with my lease ending, I mentally froze. I deactivated and blocked friends and family and completely isolated from everything and everyone except this website and my career/job in the workforce.

During the Great Blockade two weeks ago, I took the advice of the person who made me spiral in the first place and thought this website and my business needed to be faceless. For SO long I have wanted to be “known” with the best of intentions. I have been through so much anguish and trauma that I feel needs to be shared for some reason that must be tying in to that desire. I think it’s because since my father left me at age 3 and then again at 41; I just want that love and adoration that I never received. Isn’t that so sad? So I humiliation ritualed myself and killed my ego (social media and familial connections).

For those just now tuning in, I have been married since 2011 and we’d been together since I just finished college in 2008 after working with the Obama campaign that summer. My entire adult life was spent with him because prior to that college experience, I had been homeless and a complete wreck of a child and young adult. Together we built some great things but both of us came from severely damaged childhoods and neither of us ever tried to heal from it. I was a psychology major so I felt I didn’t need any therapy…

On September 22, 2024 after a severely tumultuous year of selling our house and relocating out of state and then relocating back and then again to another spot, I caught infidelity. Everyone reacts to trauma differently, his happened to be that.

I’ve lived alone in a 4 bedroom house for a year now. It’s so serene and peaceful and it’s great for my dogs….however, my lease is up and staying requires a lot financially and it’s too big for just me. I can hardly keep up with it.

With all of this on my mind and my dogs going through surgery, I shut down. I took vacation awhile back for Memorial Day with all these hopes and dreams for GLAMNORTHWEST planned and just failed. I haven’t been able to do anything I wanted. I had the aspirations of going around the city and filming content and updating my Amazon store and all sorts of ideas that instead, I didn’t do anything. I keep feeling like I am failing or let myself down. The guilt, shame, embarrassment of blocking and unblocking, deactivating and activating, its too much and I am super embarrassed.

I have been through SO MUCH in my life. I am surprised I’ve held it together as well as I have. I am going to dedicate this new chapter to giving myself grace, pep talks rather than thoughts of deprication, and not give a flying what anyone thinks. I am starting this public journal I doubt anyone will read to help keep me accountable.

I move in two weeks and this was the only thing I felt like writing after a week away from work. I am sorry to those I’ve isolated from. May is never an easy month for me. I am pretty sure it’s when my dad left when I was little and my body still remembers the pain.

I like to write to help others. I share my truth so that I can be relatable. I have been through more in this 43 years of life that most can fathom and feel that I can related to the majority in some way. With all of that pain and suffering I have endured, I can’t shake the desire to share my experiences with the goals they help someone else in some way-I keep starting again and I have made it to some cool places and I am only getting started.

I had a coworker once tell me that if they had seen me online, they would instantly judge me and scroll but having known me, they realize how cool I am. That thought pattern of society I can feel. A lot of people don’t like me online. A LOT. Most people scroll or troll me for being a man because of my voice. I can feel people rolling their eyes. The lack of likes from people who are supposed to love and support you can be really brutal.

But this is time of who the eff cares anymore. I don’t want to follow the rules for the algorithm or worry about why no one likes this or that because I am posting for me and for maybe the one person’s algo I hit. I am sharing what I love (beauty and the Pacific Northwest) with the world and people can tune in or not. Choosing to be a content creator is very challenging work. I have been off and on at it for over 10 years now. Something keeps pulling me back to it every time I deactivate…I can’t deny the pull.

“You can try to rig the game but you can’t change influence”.-Kendrick Lamar, Super Bowl

“That’s All”-Miranda Priestley