Spiraling-How I Feel During a Menty B

May is Mental Health Awareness Month. In honor of that, I am going to drop some vulnerabilities I have experienced recently. I try and put out this persona of inspiration, but truth is I have waves of confidence but then my PTSD creeps in. After learning myself this last season, I found it is triggered by unknown change.

Last year I had to move FOUR times. My (then) husband and I decided to take a risk and follow a goal of his (and a regret of mine) towards a job that we both knew in our hearts was the WRONG move to make…but we both tried to make it work. We ignored many signs trying to prove to ourselves it was the right move. It broke us. We owned my old house. We sold it to relocate to California. I thought it was my dream to live there. He thought it was his dream to work where we moved (it used to be my dream, too).

After 6 weeks of panic and ant invasions, we decided to move back to what we thought was home, but we had no house anymore. When we landed back in Washington, something changed in him. I know he will read this so I will be nice…but the shock of it all with some negative input from bad actors made him chose to let go of his morals and find someone else…while sneaking around on me and denying it (I knew). The irony of how I caught him is fantastic but due to NDA's I won’t mention much. However, a month prior to the events, I had a dream he drove us off a cliff in a self driving car….

When I caught him, a whirlwind of disaster struck in my brain. Having been “abandoned” by my father at age 3 and again at 41, made homeless by my parents at age 23, countless attacks of bullying, slander and betrayal by family and friends, I didn’t know what to do. I am grateful for the gift of discernment.

I’ve had weekly therapy (now bi-weekly). The first one wasn’t a good fit-she kept throwing diagnoses at me rather than help with the issues I was experiencing. The diagnoses kept making me spiral after I’d leave (autism, ADHD, OCD, PTSD-dear Lord can”t I just be “not okay right now”? Why do we have to label things so hard in Western medicine? Also, can we PLEASE lock down medical charts? There is NO reason EVERYONE in the medical field should have access to your chart-rant over.

The second therapist is great. If you ever find you need professional help and your therapist isn’t your vibe, it is okay to ditch them for a new one. It is important. At the end of the day, it is really up to us to fix ourselves. You can complain and cry til the cows come home but you also need to dedicate yourself to getting better and part of that is knowing when you need a break so you don’t do something you regret. As much Bible studying, prayer, motivational podcasts listened to, etc, I still spiral mentally (like today) and that is okay.

Today I had to leave work because of it. I work full time in the public and my mind just couldn’t snap back into performance mode. The last year was rough and I felt like I had finally gotten a hold of “getting better”, but then I realized my lease is up soon. The upcoming doom I feel with having to relocate myself and my animals is frightening.

Here are my current panics:

My dogs are super cute but since I had never owned a dog before Kai in 2020 (I used to be terrified of dogs), I didn’t know how to train them nor did I realize how hyper both breeds were (husky and mini Aussie). I finally have a vet appointment tomorrow, but that gives me all sorts of panic about how the vets will judge me for being a bad dog mom.

I live in a huge 4 bedroom house alone. I can renew the lease, but I feel guilty keeping this much space to myself. I can also use the money for rent on paying down debts and funding my business ventures. But my dogs LOVE it and the house has all the things I wish I had at my other house. I’m surrounded by gorgeous trees and plants, it’s SUPER private unlike my old house or the home before that…I’ve been on display for years; I lived next to a hotel and then we moved we had neighbors looking into our house and backyard in every direction.

I still have to get divorced. I used to make more money than him but now he does. Significantly more. I’m still praying for money miracles.

I drive what the world has deemed a Swastikar. I dedicated almost 4 years of my life (and my marriage) to that brand. I’m struggling with ALL of that-I am not what I appear to be. The lessons I am learning through this ordeal are enlightening and I am truly sorry for my ancestors.

I’ve isolated myself from everyone in order to figure things out on my own. I don’t want anyone’s opinions-I need to learn who I am and what works best for me. I think I know what needs to be done, but it scares me so darn bad. I know I am supposed to have faith and trust and all that, but I still struggle.

Anyways, I want this blog to serve as a healing outlet for me and potentially inspiration for you. Transparancy and vulnerability are so hard to find these days, so here is the truth from me. Today I wasn’t okay and that’s okay. I used to beat myself up for days after I made any sort of mistake. Through therapy I have learned to give myself grace-there isn’t anyone on this earth who has gone through anything close to what I have gone through and remained perfect throughout the nonsense.

I am determined to make the changes I know God is asking of me. I am overwhelmed by them but the first step is to stop avoiding. I hope by the next “journal” entry, I will have had a lot of these fears and anxieties remedied. I refuse to melt down. I owe it to myself to heal my brain because I have so much creativity and wisdom to be shared. I can do all things through Christ who is my strength (Philipians 4:13)

Gotta fake it til you make and I am…